... restaurants just don't understand.
1. On your Web site, the only things I'm interested in are your hours, your phone number, your address and a sample menu. I don't need a Flash slideshow. I don't need a photo gallery. I don't especially need a chef bio. I definitely don't need background music. But you really don't want to tell me when you're open? (And do you really want Yelp and MenuPages treated as more authoritative sites than your own?)
2. Either the size of the text on your menu needs to come up, or the lights do.
3. Don't get mad at me for asking what comes on the "super deluxe burger." If you had listed bacon and cucumbers on the menu, I wouldn't have asked. You can have a unique or cutesy name for the dish, but some indication of what it includes or how it's prepared would be helpful. (Additionally, can we agree to list the names of the dishes and the ingredients in English? I can fake my way through French, but it's not the most fun time for me to explain to everyone at the table what it is they're ordering.)
4. Similarly, "fountain sodas" is not super helpful to put under beverages. Typing out each one would add maybe one line to the menu but would (presumably) make your servers less likely to snap at me (or ramble them off so quickly that they're not understood).
5. That last part reminds me — if you want anyone to order the special, why not put it on a card or post it somewhere? Six paragraphs' worth of information spat out in 13 seconds isn't easily understood or retained. (We could just strip this part down to its bare necessities — so that the customer isn't spending three minutes listening to specials he doesn't care about — but if we're going to say them, let's say them right.)
6. On the subject of specials: I'm not trying to be cheap, but I would like to know if this is a $25 steak or a $50 steak — and I'd like to know before you hand me the check.
7. What does "market price" even mean? Should I just assume it's double the price of the most expensive thing on the menu? Before you ring up my bill, are you checking the S&P 500 and cross-referencing with the status of that Chinese tariff?
8. This is the No. 4 for bars: Don't roll your eyes when I ask what beers you have if the beers aren't posted (especially if the handles aren't recognizable). And when you answer, don't use a brand I've never heard of to describe the other brand I've never heard of: "Shpitzenhausen" doesn't help me know what "Gerhuigenfluzen" tastes like. "Pilsner" will do just fine.
9. I don't mind places that accept only cash as much as some people do, but it's helpful if it's prominently displayed somewhere so that we're clear on the terms before the transaction. If I have to hustle down the street for the ATM to get money to pay the check for the food or drink I just consumed, I'm not going to be happy; I would have brought plenty of cash with me if you had informed me at the outset.
10. If you're a server and I ask for a recommendation or a preference between two items, "it's all good" is just about the worst thing you can say.
11. If you're not going to take reservations, your entryway (or bar area) should be large enough that I'm not straddling the hostess. And hostess, drop the attitude; I don't want to be shoulder to shoulder anymore than you do.
12. If you're my age, why are you calling me "hon'"?
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