Chan Ho Park's diarrhea
This video makes "diarrhea" the first Google suggestion after "Chan Ho Park" and features a giggling Mariano Rivera.
Stephany Lee is kicked off the team
Stephany Lee had to miss the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. She said she thought she stopped smoking in time that it wouldn't show up in a drug test. Her words, with the benefit on hindsight, on The Times's London blog: "I’m disappointed for the people I’ve let down that have been behind me. I’m sad. I could have stopped earlier. I could have prevented this." She could have stopped earlier — not stopped entirely to preserve her eligibility, mind you. Just a week or so earlier. You can tell how much that Olympic spot meant to her.
Shaq flashes his wit
When he wasn't playing "Miami Vice," Shaquille O'Neal won a press conference. This could be seen as a stand-in for the many great press conferences that have come after sporting events.
Donovan McNabb plays to win
This one almost doesn't count, but Donovan McNabb, a 10-year veteran at the time, said after his Eagles played to a tie that he "never even knew that was in the rule book." Looking at his grave and judging it a bit shallow, he added, "I hate to see what would happen in the Super Bowl and in the playoffs."
Trailing Dave Winfield
Presumably having seen "Pink Flamingos" and decided he could easily top Divine, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner paid a man to dig up dirt on one of his own players (and favorite piñata), Dave Winfield. The move got him banned from baseball for life, although the life in question was apparently that of a Madagascar hissing cockroach: two years.
Dave Winfield, menace to animals
The detective incident (rightly) gets more attention, but this is perhaps the best representation of Dave Winfield's tenure with the Yankees. In 1983, Dave Winfield accidentally killed a seagull while tossing a ball during warm-ups. After the game, he was arrested and charged with cruelty to animals. His own manager, Billy Martin, said: "They say he hit the gull on purpose. They wouldn't say that if they'd seen the throws he'd been making all year. It's the first time he's hit the cutoff man." The charges were dropped.
Ronaldo and the prostitutes
In reporting on an incident in which Ronaldo ended up with three male prostitutes dressed as women, a lot of outlets mentioned perceived similarities with an old Eddie Murphy story, and most of the coverage focused on the fact that the prostitutes were biologically male. Somehow, no one seemed to comment on the fact that Ronaldo was going around picking up three prostitutes at once. This seems more relevant to me.
The Vikings' sex boat
It has its own Wikipedia page!
Blowing balls in Minnesota
One that perhaps shouldn't count as off the field: a former Metrodome superintendent admitted to adjusting the ventilation system to try to carry Twins fly balls farther in close games. Twins officials said they doubted it had happened — indeed, this is the kind of stuff people make up for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, Bobby Valentine, averse to controversy and confrontation, said: "I became very suspicious, maybe paranoid. They had such an uncanny way of winning."
Cheerleader with too many penises
A Patriots cheerleader, Caitlin Davis, was kicked off the squad after photos surfaced of her with a drawn-all-over drunk person. In other words, she was 18.
Chris Cooley's love triangle
Chris Cooley dated one Redskins cheerleader, left her for another cheerleader, got them both fired for fraternization, married the second cheerleader and is now getting a divorce. That sums it up.
Mike Tyson's life
This is just a catch-all for all the ridiculous things he's done.
Ricky Williams's magical mystery tour
Ricky Williams, he who cost an entire draft and then some, tested positive for marijuana and then retired from football, at age 27. He spent the year traveling and studying holistic medicine.
Amare goes to Israel
Amare Stoudemire decided he had Jewish ancestors, seemingly on a hunch, and went to the promised land to reconnect with his heritage. "Hebrew is the original language," he said. I guess it's fine if he believes that, but what are we going to tell him when he finds out about Kol Nidre?
Tim Duncan's DNP
The best reason ever given for keeping out a player. (This might count as on the field, but there was no way I wasn't including it.)
Nose pickers
Two quarterbacks dug for gold on television, one a professional and the other in college.
Wilt's stilt
Wilt Chamberlain famously wrote, in 1991, that he had had sex with 20,000 women — which would equate to 1.37 women per day at the book's publishing, Wikipedia says. Sex was a big part of Wilt's life. Robert Cherry, his biographer, apparently speculated, if Wikipedia can be believed, that his move to the Lakers was fueled by a desire to date white women. Hell, Wilt's personal life has its own Wikipedia page. On the other end of the spectrum is A.C. Green, whose nickname (Iron Man) is purportedly because he missed only three games in his career but also applies to his personal life: by his own recounting, he began and ended his career as a virgin.
Misspellings on jerseys
There are plenty of good ones out there, but picking one to represent them all, I have to go with the Washington Natinals, if only because Tony Kornheiser, three years later, is still referencing that incident.
Kevin Mitchell and the cat
As related in Doc Gooden's autobiography, Kevin Mitchell supposedly beheaded his girlfriend's cat.
Joe Namath makes a pass
It even inspired a blog.
Marty Cordova is laid out
This one is a stand-in for the nearly infinite list of absurd off-the-field injuries. (Multiple players, for instance, have been felled by a sneeze. I'm looking at you, Sammy Sosa.) Marty Cordova fell asleep on a tanning bed and was "told to stay out of the sun for a few days." (If we were including on-the-field injuries, Clarence Blethen would almost certainly be the winner.)
Anthony Davis trademarks his worst feature
Anthony Davis to CNBC: “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it."
Two Yankees swap wives
In the 1970s, Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson traded wives. I don't dare to dream what would have happened had the Internet been around. (In the aftermath, one couple stayed together, and one didn't. Peterson was booed in opposing ballparks. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon want to make the story into a movie. Kekich isn't real keen on that idea.)
David Terrell's wang
This one is hearsay, but in the way that Rod Stewart's stomach pump is: everyone seems to know the story, and almost everyone (somehow) claims to have been a witness. According to the rumor, David Terrell had sex with a woman at a party and asked her about his "bomb-ass dick." (This post adds an excellent tidbit from Rich Eisen.)
Dikembe Mutombo's proclamation
Similar to the David Terrell story in the way that everyone seems to know some version of the story without any source or facts, Dikembe Mutombo allegedly walked into a party and loudly asked who wanted to have intercourse with him. The wording is a matter of debate.
Derek Jeter's gift baskets
Courtesy of a self-proclaimed two-night stand: Derek Jeter gives his one-night stands gift baskets with autographed baseballs.
LeBron's mom has got it going on
To explain LeBron James's erratic play, a story began circulating that Delonte West had had sex with James's mother. (A chain e-mail apparently contributed to the rumor.) Calvin Murphy was sure it happened ... for some reason ... and for some reason, Murphy's conviction was evidence that the dalliance happened ... or something.
Hideki Matsui's porn
As reported by GQ, Hideki Matsui owns 55,000 porn videos and offered (in jest?) to give videos to writers.
Alex Rodriguez as a centaur
A former ex (according to her, anyway) claimed that Alex Rodriguez had a picture of himself as a centaur hung over his bed. I'm more inclined to give him a pass on portraying himself as a mythical symbol of strength than on putting a picture of himself where he sleeps. (This story has also resulted in a pretty spectacular Google Image search.)
The Dump Truck
Najeh Davenport earned his nickname with accusations that he defecated in a (female) college student's laundry basket. His lawyer (apparently seriously) said, "The truth will come out in the wash." In his Johnnie Cochran moment, Davenport said, "Where's the evidence? Where's the manure?" I will also admit that in retelling this story in the past, because of its content, I have confused the subject with another big Steelers back: Duce Staley.
Orlando just misses having the best team name
The franchise that became the Orlando Magic had a naming contest in which fans submitted ideas. The four finalists: the Magic, the Tropics, the Heat and the Juice. The Juice! They (stupidly) chose "the Magic,"obviously, but "the Juice" was that close! Out of 4,296 entries, it was in the final four. What could have gotten left in the Juice's wake? The Orlando Juice!
UPDATE: I have realized that I made an unfortunate omission: LenDale White's diet.
UPDATE: I have realized that I made an unfortunate omission: LenDale White's diet.
You'll notice that a number of the biggest off-the-field sports stories were missing here. No O.J. Simpson, no Joe Paterno or Tiger Woods, no Pete Rose, no Tonya Harding or Michael Vick, no Kobe Bryant, no Thurman Munson or Roberto Clemente, no Eddie Waitkus, not even JaMarcus Russell — those are all too serious for me to try to make light of. There's no Bobby Petrino or Rick Pitino — those are too salacious and have already been given far too much attention. There's no Ozzie Guillen (running his mouth on Castro) or name changers (Chad Ochocinco and Metta World Peace and World B. Free) — those are too stupid to waste any time on. There's nothing about kids being suspended or people fired because of their wearing college apparel — these are far too numerous, and even the most intriguing ones have numerous similarities to other incidents. And most of all, there is nothing about athletes' sending pictures of their genitalia, primarily because I have no interest in sifting through photos to compile this list.
I mostly kept my list to professional sports to limit my undertaking, to spare the nonprofessionals, and to avoid having to decide what qualifies as a crazy college story. (A guy admitted to trying to poison trees, for pete's sakes. And if I had branched out to high school, this might have been the winner.) These are just some of the ridiculous, entertaining and absurd (but mostly harmless) nuggets that have emerged from the world of sports.
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