My Summer Vacation

Dear Journal/Internet,

It's somewhat hard for me to describe what I was thinking or expecting before my Birthright trip, not so much because those feelings have been obscured by the actual experience but because I think it wasn't until I was on the trip itself that it took any kind of precedence in my mind. Birthright always seemed like something that I would eventually do, perhaps most of all because I could; I guess in that sense it's fair to say that my mind-set was most accurately of the "free trip" variety, even if I didn't exactly think of it that way because, as I said, I didn't really think of it all.

I can say more definitively that I did not expect any special connection to Judaism or Israel. I've always identified as a Jew, sometimes strongly, even as I drifted away from the religious beliefs and, to a lesser extent, the religious practice over time. That said, I did not feel any great desire for aliyah or any real bond to Israel beyond a sort of habitual defense of it in conversation.

I think the trip for me was less about being a Jew and more about being an adult. That attitude first began to crystallize when I had to write an essay for my application about why I wanted to go. I did not want to lie by attaching some false significance to the trip. I didn't spend much time on the answer I did end up submitting, but I think I hit on something. I'm past the point of that feeling just after college when everything is unsettled, every path is open — there's an excitement in not knowing where life will take you. It's scary, sure, but you have license to dream, and the imagining is better, I think, than the experiences that ensue. I haven't had that feeling for a few years now. My life feels set and, worse, stagnant. I don't know if I'll ever leave this job. I don't know if I'll ever leave this city. Those things are possible, but I'm not actively thinking about them, and the actively thinking part is what makes them real, so they're not real, I suppose. That was a run-on by intention; I'm having a hard time articulating this thought, so perhaps it illustrates the kind of confusion I have in putting this all to words. What it boils down to, I guess, is adulthood, which seems to me partly about self-sufficiency and partly about the end taking precedence over the means, as grim as that may sound.

Anyway, this trip represented a kind of return to adolescence, both literally (structurally, it's essentially a summer camp on wheels) and metaphorically (it offers an opportunity to change and learn and grow as was offered in an academic setting but is not especially available in a work setting — the scary thing is, I think I needed the permission to grow more than I needed the encouragement).

By writing that, and saying that on the trip when we shared our goals with one another, I took that view on even more. It became concrete: this is what you're doing here.

I would say that expectation was mostly met, as evidenced by my struggle to reintegrate myself at home. I've already expressed this to others (prepare for self-plagiarism), but I've felt as if I've been sleepwalking since I've been back in the U.S. — to be sure, the exhaustion of 11 days of sleep deprivation and the jet lag contribute, but beyond the general feeling of being submerged in water with a brain operating in slow motion, I've felt dissociated from my body. I haven't felt awake, as if I'm watching someone else control my limbs and actions: an impostor in my own life. I feel out of place, stuck in the wrong place. And I don't think that's Israel, but I do think it's the state of mind or something like it.

Loss is the closest I can come to describing it. Not any rational sense of loss — I miss the friends I made and the places I saw, sure, but I'm not mourning them. I just have a sense of something being missing: an emptiness, a hollowness, a void. Religious people would probably say that's Israel, or God, missing, but that's not it. It's just a feeling. Of being shut off, maybe. Or shut out.

I felt something in Israel. Not any deep connection to the land as some people mentioned experiencing and not any deep connection to Judaism; I don't think the trip changed me much in that regard. But I did feel something. Perhaps it was just the feeling of inclusion. Someone mentioned early on that, for the first time in our lives, we were part of the majority, and that stuck with me the entire time. Judaism permeates everything in Israel. It's in the way we were greeted ("Welcome home") and the general attitude displayed toward us as tourists, the most welcoming and accepting I've ever experienced. (People want you to be there.) It's in the little things, like the fact that buses don't run on Shabbat. I'm sure part of the appeal to me was, for once, not feeling like an outsider — or, more accurately, feeling less like an outsider. That probably helps explain, too, the bond I felt with my companions, both American and Israeli. The feeling of belonging.

I've copied the itinerary below, and I feel like for posterity's sake I should record a few thoughts on my experiences more tangibly. The first day was a blur because of the exhaustion from arriving at the airport at 6:30 a.m. after working until 1 a.m. the night before. We stepped off the plane and headed straight into Tel Aviv, grabbing lunch and walking around a market before heading to Independence Hall, where we learned in an extremely long and rambling lecture that Jews don't swim. (Despite my best efforts, I was dozing off for most of the rest. This was not a great activity in that kind of physical condition.)

The camels themselves were somewhat underwhelming (and more than somewhat uncomfortable), but the ride was still enjoyable because I fed off the excitement of the others in my group. The hike was one of my two favorite individual experiences of the trip. (Talking with my Israeli peers was the best part, but that doesn't boil down to one event.) It's hard to say what exactly appealed to me about it. The scenery was beautiful, but that doesn't seem like enough to account for my reaction. The farm was not too exciting, but the woman who showed us around was inspiring. She and her husband had worked in a restaurant but dreamed of working on a farm. One day, she said, they wondered why they had not done it already, so they left their jobs and committed to starting a farm, even without any knowledge of how to run a farm.

Thursday started with the sunrise hike up Masada, which was wonderful. I started to say powerful, too, but I don't know what the power is because the moral ambiguity of the story is too hard to reconcile. The desert oasis was refreshing even if it was, you know, about six inches deep. I didn't expect much from the Dead Sea, and although the experience was fun, it about registered where I thought it would. Floating is cool but not especially meaningful.

I struggled with being at the Kotel on Friday. I didn't have the connection to the wall that some people speak of or that, deep down, I might have thought I'd have. I ended up feeling like a tourist, observing or even studying those around me praying (with a devotion to the faith that I will never have) instead of reflecting on myself. That feeling of being an outsider again. No wonder I had mixed feelings about being there. The Shabbat service that night had a slow start — a lot of the praying to oneself of the Conservative and Orthodox traditions, with the faster-than-light streams of Hebrew (which bothers me because it seems to place the emphasis on the ritual of the religious practice instead of the content or the meaning). But with the singing and dancing during the psalms, I came around; there was the celebratory atmosphere that I think best suits religion.

Saturday started with a discussion about God. The one-on-one part was great because my partner and I saw roughly eye to eye, but I felt a harder time connecting with my small group in the second part and felt some anger start to build up inside me when I felt like words were being put in my mouth (or, really, thoughts being put in my brain — experiences being assigned to me that didn't match how I felt). That feeling of otherness again. I had a hard time recovering after that. It didn't help when I had a disagreement with someone in the third part about free will (whether it exists in Judaism and, more specifically, whether Jonah had free will). Later in the day, in the pool, I had the best game of keepaway I've ever experienced.

Mount Herzl was a meaningful experience, with the Israelis leading a memorial service and Barak (the medic) sharing a story about his commander. It drove home not just the way that these conflicts have touched all the lives of the country but also the depth of feeling these people have for the survival of their nation. They believe in what they're doing, and that's inspiring. Yad Vashem was also moving (and my other favorite part of the trip, although "favorite" doesn't seem like the right word). I wanted to cry there for reasons I have a hard time explaining, and I did toward the end. Our guide at the museum was excellent, but I wish I had had more time to explore.

I had great times talking with friends at the kibbutz: a collegiate atmosphere. The rafting was also fun — tackling people out of boats.

It was sad to lose the Israelis on Tuesday. The bus pulled over, and more or less like that, they were gone, without much fanfare. The trip wouldn't have been the same without them. I felt as though I learned a lot just from goofing off with them. I was glad we visited Tzfat. Listening to someone with strong religious conviction talk about religion is almost enough to inspire that in you. That's a hard one to explain.

I grew frustrated early on that our trip felt so inauthentic, but I quickly decided that it didn't have to be authentic. I'll return someday for that. (It's weird to say that because very recently I had no great intention of ever seeing Israel.) There's an authentic trip, an inauthentic trip and a Birthright trip; it is its own thing, outside the traditional boundaries, and once I decided that, I allowed myself to enjoy for what it was.

Is it interesting that the Americans universally refer to the trip as Birthright and the Israelis universally refer to it as Taglit ("discovery")? It seems like there's a metaphor in there.

Sunday, June 16 – Departure
Depart LGA (New York) Int’l airport at 10:30 AM
Arrive at the airport four hours early
Monday, June 17 – Arrival, Tel Aviv & The Central Coast
Landing at Ben Gurion Airport at 11:40 AM
Meet Israeli Staff
Independence Hall – Declaration of the modern State of Israel
Rabin Square – Memorial to Yitzhak Rabin
Program introductions & ice breakers
Overnight: Armon Yam Hotel, Bat Yam / Tel: 972-3-552-2424
Tuesday, June 18 – The Central Coast & The Negev
Bat Yam Beaches – Relax along Bat Yam’s Mediterranean Coast
Jaffa – Ancient seaport & artist colony
Depart for Bedouin Tent
Bedouin hospitality, bonfire and group activity
Overnight: Chan Shayarot, Bedouin Tent, Negev Desert  /  Tel: 972-8-653-5777
Wednesday, June 19 – The Negev
Camel trekking – Travel the Negev desert in style!
Ein Ovdat – Canyon Hike
Sde Boker – Desert outpost & grave of Ben Gurion
Green Activity – Naot Farm Group Activity
Overnight: Inbar Hotel, Arad/ Tel: 972-8-997-3303
Thursday, June 20 – The Negev Ascend Masada – Via the Roman Ramp
Masada – Ancient mountaintop fortress
Descend Masada – Via the Snake Path
Nahal David – Desert Oasis Hike
Dead Sea – Floating at Ein Bokek Beach
Depart for Jerusalem
Overnight: Crowne Plaza Hotel, Jerusalem/ Tel: 972-2-658-8824
Night Out in Jerusalem
Friday, June 21 – Jerusalem
Welcome & ice breakers with Israeli peers
City of David – Tour of Biblical Jerusalem
The Kotel – Reflections at the Western Wall
Jewish Quarter – Old City walking tour
Mahane Yehuda – Colorful Jerusalem marketplace
Prepare for Shabbat
Start of Shabbat – Candle lighting ceremony
Shabbat Service
Oneg Shabbat – Celebrating Shabbat
Overnight: Crowne Plaza Hotel, Jerusalem/ Tel: 972-2-658-8824
Saturday, June 22 – Jerusalem
Talking about God
The Israel Museum
Havdallah Ceremony – Conclusion of Shabbat
Prepare for Yad Vashem
Overnight: Crowne Plaza Hotel, Jerusalem/ Tel: 972-2-658-8824
Sunday, June 23 – JerusalemHar Herzl – National Memorial 
Yad Vashem – Holocaust Memorial & Museum
Political Seminar with Neil Lazaros – The Situation Today in Israel
Ben Yehuda Street – Pedestrian Shopping Center
Overnight: Crowne Plaza Hotel, Jerusalem/ Tel: 972-2-658-8824
Monday, June 24 – The North
Depart for the North
Mount Bental – View of the Golan Heights
Nahal Zavitan – Canyon Hike in the Golan
Jordan River Rafting
Mifgash Activity with Israeli Peers (Skits)
Overnight: Hukuk Guest House, Galilee / Tel: 972-4-679-9958
Tuesday, June 25 – The North
Merion to Hirbet Humema – Canyon Hike
Tzfat – Birthplace of Jewish mysticism
Wrap up with Israeli Peers
Closing Dinner and Wrap-Up Session (Talent Show and Awards)
Overnight: Hukuk Guest House, Galilee / Tel: 972-4-679-9958
Wednesday, June 26 – Departure
Depart Ben Gurion Airport at 1:10 PM
Arrive at LGA International Airport at 9:59 PM