BK vs. the World: Music I'm Claiming

When the aliens take over and humanity is virtually wiped out and it is left to me to rebuild society, I am taking credit for these bands' catalogs in conversations with the younger generations.

Alternative prompt: When I build a time machine and travel to the mid-20th century, I am introducing these catalogs just before the songs are written and claiming credit.

(Example songs are linked.)

1. Sly & the Family Stone
2. Bomb the Music Industry!
3. The Clash
4. Fugazi
5. Led Zeppelin
6. Elvis Costello and the Attractions
7. Descendents
8. Jawbreaker
9. Against Me! (circa "Crime" and "Reinventing Axl Rose")
10. Rush
11. The Flatliners 
12. Cock Sparrer
13. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
14. Rx Bandits
15. Stiff Little Fingers

Getting to Know You

What is your favorite breakfast meat?
I have to say that bacon is probably the tastiest, so it's my choice (good Jew that I am) if I'm cooking at home, but I typically find it unsatisfying at restaurants because the quantity is often underwhelming. Sausage strikes me as a better value.

I do love lox on a bagel, too, but I more often eat that as an entire meal, for lunch, say, rather than as part of breakfast. And I don't think I could ever get behind eating a steak so early. Other options, like bone-in ham and chorizo, can be tasty but don't qualify as favorites.

If you could eat only one animal's meat for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
I have to divide this answer into two parts that depend on the answer to a fundamental question: do fish fall into one category, or should they be divided by species? (The same goes for shellfish.)

Assuming fish are all lumped together, I'd probably make them my pick on the basis of the variety: not only are there a number of flavors to choose from (swordfish, anchovies and everything in between), there are several preparations as well – fry the fish, grill it, poach it, braise it, use it to make stock for a soup, eat it raw, or do any number of other things. (Shellfish would probably be in second or third on my list, with the same logic.) That may seem unfair to some, but I'd also argue it's not fair to restrict the choice to, say, salmon; whereas there are several cuts to animals like cows and pigs, with different tastes and textures, fish can mostly only be eaten filleted or whole.

If you don't buy that argument, I'll probably go with pork. A good beef steak is better than most pork products, and it'd be hard to give up hamburgers. I wouldn't turn down the occasional tartare or carpaccio, either, and I love roast beef and corned beef. But pork is so much more versatile. Chops. Ribs. Pulled pork. Sausages of all different kinds. Ham. Bacon. Tenderloin. And we're still just getting started. You can start getting creative, too, what with head cheese and trotters and whatever else.

Chicken is similarly versatile but not nearly as interesting. Turkey is among the best you can have for one meal, but over a lifetime? It seems too limited. The same goes for things like lamb and duck.

BK vs. the World: One Song Per Instrument

If you can play any instrument but can play only one piece on each, these are some of the pieces to know:

Trombone
Rolling Thunder (Sorry, Trombone Shorty, Rimsky-Korsakov, J.J. Johnson et al.)

Trumpet
The Green Hornet Theme

Baritone Saxophone
Coconut Champagne

Guitar
The Trooper

Cello
Cello Suite No. 1

Piano
Rhapsody in Blue

Electric Bass
Runaway

Tenor Saxophone
The Bridge

My Summer Vacation

Dear Journal/Internet,

It's somewhat hard for me to describe what I was thinking or expecting before my Birthright trip, not so much because those feelings have been obscured by the actual experience but because I think it wasn't until I was on the trip itself that it took any kind of precedence in my mind. Birthright always seemed like something that I would eventually do, perhaps most of all because I could; I guess in that sense it's fair to say that my mind-set was most accurately of the "free trip" variety, even if I didn't exactly think of it that way because, as I said, I didn't really think of it all.

I can say more definitively that I did not expect any special connection to Judaism or Israel. I've always identified as a Jew, sometimes strongly, even as I drifted away from the religious beliefs and, to a lesser extent, the religious practice over time. That said, I did not feel any great desire for aliyah or any real bond to Israel beyond a sort of habitual defense of it in conversation.

I think the trip for me was less about being a Jew and more about being an adult. That attitude first began to crystallize when I had to write an essay for my application about why I wanted to go. I did not want to lie by attaching some false significance to the trip. I didn't spend much time on the answer I did end up submitting, but I think I hit on something. I'm past the point of that feeling just after college when everything is unsettled, every path is open — there's an excitement in not knowing where life will take you. It's scary, sure, but you have license to dream, and the imagining is better, I think, than the experiences that ensue. I haven't had that feeling for a few years now. My life feels set and, worse, stagnant. I don't know if I'll ever leave this job. I don't know if I'll ever leave this city. Those things are possible, but I'm not actively thinking about them, and the actively thinking part is what makes them real, so they're not real, I suppose. That was a run-on by intention; I'm having a hard time articulating this thought, so perhaps it illustrates the kind of confusion I have in putting this all to words. What it boils down to, I guess, is adulthood, which seems to me partly about self-sufficiency and partly about the end taking precedence over the means, as grim as that may sound.

Anyway, this trip represented a kind of return to adolescence, both literally (structurally, it's essentially a summer camp on wheels) and metaphorically (it offers an opportunity to change and learn and grow as was offered in an academic setting but is not especially available in a work setting — the scary thing is, I think I needed the permission to grow more than I needed the encouragement).

By writing that, and saying that on the trip when we shared our goals with one another, I took that view on even more. It became concrete: this is what you're doing here.

BK vs. The World: Years for Music

Power rankings of the years from 1956 to 1986, ordered from last to first, in terms of the music released (or generally going on) in each year:

1958
Important album releases to consider: Milestones (Miles Davis), The Atomic Mr. Basie (Count Basie).

1974
Important album releases to consider: Up for the Down Stroke (Parliament), Rush (Rush), Open Our Eyes (Earth, Wind and Fire), Too Much Too Soon (New York Dolls), Small Talk (Sly & the Family Stone), Roots Reggae (Toots & the Maytals), Natty Dread (Bob Marley & the Wailers), Sheer Heart Attack (Queen), Caribou (Elton John).
Neil Peart joins Rush. Cock Sparrer, the Ramones and Blondie form.

1960
Important album releases to consider: Sketches of Spain (Miles Davis), Giant Steps (John Coltrane), Save the Last Dance for Me (The Drifters), The Genius Hits the Road (Ray Charles).
The Beatles form.

1962
Important album releases to consider: The Bridge (Sonny Rollins), Sherry & 11 Others (The Four Seasons), Surfin' Safari (The Beach Boys), Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan), Lena ... Lovely and Alive (Lena Horne).
The Rolling Stones and the Trashmen form.

1961
Important album releases to consider: The Great Kai & J.J. (Kai Winding and J.J. Johnson), My Favorite Things (John Coltrane), Tonight's the Night (The Shirelles), Runaway (Del Shannon), At Last! (Etta James), Sunday at the Village Vanguard (The Bill Evans Trio).
The Beach Boys form.

BK vs. The World: Best jobs in music

Power rankings of the best jobs in music:

1. Hype man for an early-'90s rap group.

2. Backup vocalist and dancer for a '60s Motown group.

3. Falsetto backup vocalist for a '70s soul or funk band.

4. Studio musician for a '70s yacht rock band.

5. Jay-Z. (You know, like, actually being Jay-Z.)

6. Dancer for a '90s ska band (e.g., Ben Carr or Mr. Skull).



Worst job: Spinal Tap drummer.

BK vs. The World: Four-Member Bands

Power rankings of members of four-member music groups (groups themselves are not ranked):

The Beatles
1. Paul McCartney
2. George Harrison
3. John Lennon
4. Ringo Starr

BK vs. The World: Mass Effect Characters

Having recently completed the "Mass Effect" trilogy, I've been reflecting on the games at large and, perhaps even more, the characters they contained. I'm not a big gamer — I might play a game of Madden now and again, but aside from a spin through "Skyrim" and "Morrowind," my gaming life peaked with "Ocarina of Time" — so I was impressed with the depth of the world I discovered.

I'd go so far as to say that the material at the heart of the series — not the execution, mind you, or the specific plot elements, but the story in broad strokes and the universe (setting, characters, alien races, etc.) — is on par with that of the great sci-fi franchises, and I'm including "Star Wars," for which I have undying devotion. Obviously, the emotional impact of a video game doesn't touch that of a movie; my point is that "Mass Effect" starts with a pretty killer hand.

What follows is a list, in ascending order, of the best characters in the series. (I've excluded Shepard, partly because of the variability in the character depending on the player's choices and partly because it struck me as difficult to compare the protagonist and role characters with varying amounts of screen time.)

Note that spoilers may follow.

First Lines to Stories I Haven't Yet Written

When Alex wanted to emasculate Martin, really pop the testicles right off him, she'd make him repeat whatever she had just said.
 

When his fist used to connect with face, it would land with a thud, weighty, baleful, but on the October night he won the title — the night they draped that magnificent belt over his arm and hoisted him on their shoulders and carried him out of the arena before he could even toss off a quote for the reporters, he remembered that part well — on that night, his fist, as if hollow, only went thwap.
 

Standing with my toes just across the start of the sand, with the beast monstrous before me, I could think only of journalists' tendency to describe things in terms of football fields. 

 

The third time I cheated on my wife was the first time I had no excuse.
  

 If you must know, what first attracted me to her was the way she was happily flipping through "War and Peace," like it was some kind of rainy-day pulp. Perfect, I thought. Another girl I'll never meet and book I'll never read. Two things beyond my capacity.
 

I always assumed I would go bald — every family reunion provided dozens of looks into a hairless future — but I also assumed it would happen more or less at once.
 

After an early morning in which the jackhammering was outside on the sidewalk and not in my bedroom, I was ready to get out of the shower, but my penis was not, and we got into a bit of an argument, slapping each other silly.
 

My father was the kind of man who could tell you the exact month his unborn son should begin speaking but — when the power of speech came, and the son began experimenting with conversation — had nothing to say to him.
 

John Waters provided the inspiration.